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  She looked up at him. “It’s like I’m not even here, Eric. I am, yet I’m someplace else where none of this is necessary. If something happens in there, if there are decisions...you do that, Eric. Please, do what’s right for Riku. I’ve already told Henry to allow you to make the decisions, if that becomes necessary.”

  “Why?” he asked, his voice thick.

  “Because this is what you do, who you are. Because I trust you with your son’s life. Because I believe you would trade places with him if you could.”

  “I would,” he said. “I would take his place in a heartbeat...”

  “Which is why I trust you with his life. His life is part of your life now, and you’ll do the right thing.” She stepped back, grabbed the scrub shirt from the hook on the wall and handed it to him. “And I believe surgery generally requires shoes, too.” She braved a smile that lasted mere seconds, then disappeared.

  Deep in her heart she truly did know Eric loved Riku. It wasn’t the kind of love that came of getting to know someone, or a love born of familiarity. It was the love of a parent. The same love she felt. And her heart skipped a beat when she realized this. Eric was such a good man. Easy to love. And she’d already fallen. So many ways to love. Her life was blessed with them. “So, you’d better get them on and get out there. The most important person in your life needs his daddy now.”

  Michi turned away immediately, trying to regain control. But that wasn’t going to happen until Eric came out of surgery and told her himself that Riku had come through like a champ. “Take care of him in there,” she said, on her way to the door. “Take care of our son, Eric.”

  Then she stepped into the hall, looked right and left for someplace to go to have the good, hard cry she needed before she walked the hall to surgery holding her son’s hand. As it turned out, that cry came in an empty utility closet just outside the hall to the suite of operating rooms. And there she sobbed until her throat hurt and her eyes were swollen. Ten minutes later, when she stepped into the hall, Eric was standing there with a tissue and a bottle of water for her. Smiling, not questioning.

  “It’s time,” was all he said. Then he took her hand and led her back to Riku’s room, now vacated by all the techs and nurses, where Riku was already getting groggy from his pre-surgery IV induction of a medicine that would have him well asleep even before he got to the OR.

  Then came the surgical nurses, ready to move him. So Michi took hold of Riku’s right hand, while Eric took hold of his left and, for the first time, they walked together as a family of three. Riku in his bed, with his parents on either side while he slept, unaware that his world was about to be changed drastically.

  All too soon, they were at the surgery entrance where Eric would go on with Riku and she would go to her parents to wait. “Mommy loves you,” she said, bending down to kiss him. “And when you wake up, she’ll be right there with you.”

  Eric didn’t say a word as they pushed through the doors and left Michi behind, standing at the window, looking in as he and Riku turned the corner to the operating room assigned to Riku’s surgery. He took one look over his shoulder as he turned that corner, and tried to manage a supportive smile for Michi. Then he went to the scrub room for that part of the prep, while Riku was wheeled into the actual operating room.

  And Michi... She’d made it mere steps away from the door when she gave out, leaned against the wall and slid silently to the floor. Not crying. Not reacting. Not...anything. Too numb. That was where Agnes found her and helped her to a private waiting room and into the arms of her family.

  But it was Eric’s arms she needed. And it was in Eric’s arms she’d be when this day was over and Riku was asleep, and closer to being healthy than he’d ever been before. Her little family. That was what she wanted them to be. And it became part of the dream of her heart. Eric and Riku and her together...all of them healthy and safe. And so loved. That was the full dream of her heart now. The only one.

  * * *

  The clock simply wouldn’t move. It seemed like every time she looked up it, it was at the same place it had been the time before. How long had it been so far? Over three hours?

  “He’s good,” Eric assured her. He’d left the OR when Dr. Kapoor had arrived to assist, and the OR had got too crowded. “These things take time, and you can’t always predict what’s going to come up along the way. But that doesn’t mean anything’s wrong.” They were alone again. She’d sat with her parents for the first two hours but in their worry they’d seemed...clingy. She didn’t want clingy. Wasn’t able to tolerate it, even from her family.

  So, she’d returned to the private waiting room where she and Eric had talked hours ago and shut herself in, wanting to hide herself away from everything. Eric had joined her only moments later, making her realize it wasn’t being alone that she wanted. It was being with Eric that meant everything.

  “And nothing’s going wrong?”

  “You’ve got Henry and Anjali in there. The best tag team in the world, in my opinion. They’re not going to miss anything, Michi. They’re not going to let anything happen.”

  “I wish it could be you,” she said.

  “If you mean on the table, with my chest cracked, so do I. If you mean performing the surgery...” He held out his shaky hands. “Not with these.”

  She laughed as she took both his hands in hers. “I guess even the best have their lesser moments,” she said, settling back on the sofa with him. Ten minutes later she urged him to his feet. “I need to go someplace to breathe. These walls are beginning to close in and if I don’t get out of here, I’m going to literally start climbing them. Want to come with me?” she asked, holding her hand out to him. “Maybe go up to the roof garden. It’s a good place to think. And be within running distance when he’s out of surgery.”

  Five minutes later, after stopping at the OR desk to let the nurse know where they’d be, Michi and Eric pushed through the door to the garden and stepped outside. It was a beautiful autumn afternoon. The temperature was perfect, but the skies threatened rain. For a moment she felt...peaceful. “This is nice,” she said, shutting her eyes simply to enjoy a bit of communing with everything surrounding her. “Back home, I don’t have any kind of garden with my condo, so I always enjoy my version of this. Simple things. Plants and sky. And in my hospital garden a little water feature with a foot bridge, lined by cherry trees and bamboo.”

  Stepping closer to Eric, she laid her hand in the small of his back, not to massage but merely to let him feel her presence, and take whatever strength she had to give. Because he looked exhausted. Strung out. In emotional agony. “Is there anything you want to tell me?” she asked.

  “Like I said, Riku’s holding his own.” Eric turned to look at her. “It’s me who’s not doing so well. When it’s a child you don’t know, it’s difficult enough, but when it’s your own child...” He took in a deep breath, then it was she who pulled him into her arms for a change. She who held him. She who felt his tears on her shoulder.

  They stood that way for several minutes before he straightened up, scrubbed his face with his hand and took in a deep breath. “I was doing just fine, staying objective. Until his chest was open and it was my son’s tiny heart I saw beating in there. I’m just glad he wasn’t awake to see what a mess his old man was.”

  “But you stayed.”

  “Because I had to. There wasn’t another choice. That was my boy...our boy. This was the first real thing I’ve been able to do for him and I wasn’t going to let him down. It’s also when I realized that I’m not my old man, that I don’t turn my back on the people who should mean the most to me or, in this case, the child who does mean the most to me. My dad would have walked out. Come back later to see how it turned out. But I’m not my dad.”

  “You’re certainly not,” she said, sidling up to him so their arms touched, then eventually leaning against his chest as his arm slipped around
her shoulder. “You’re certainly not.” A tear trickled out of the corner of her eye and blotted itself against Eric’s green scrub shirt, leaving its presence there in a damp circle above his heart. “So Henry repaired the truncus?”

  “He did, and when I left he was working on the valve to fix some regurgitation that wasn’t diagnosed before. That’s probably what they’re doing now...the surgical creation of a tricuspid truncal valve. In the cases where I’ve done it, it seems to provide the best outcome.”

  “You gave them permission for that?” she asked. “Because it wasn’t mentioned in the surgical risks that were addressed.”

  “I did give permission. There are other ways to go about the repair, but in my experience this was the best and will serve Riku better in the years ahead. Should I have spoken to you first?” he asked.

  Michi shook her head. “I told you I trusted you to make the right decisions. I’m glad you were there to do that.” She pulled back and looked into his eyes. “I trust you, Eric. And maybe that’s been slow to happen, but it’s happened in a huge way. It makes me feel better. Gives me hope I haven’t had...ever, simply letting go and trusting. It’s easy to be overprotective and not so easy to let someone else in. But I want you in, Eric. I don’t think either of us is in a position to know how yet, but just know I do want you in.”

  Eric nodded, and pulled her even closer. “You’ve done a very good job taking care of him, and I don’t blame you for being overprotective. I would have been, too. And I do want to be in. In his life, in yours... We’ll figure it out when the time’s right.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  “ERIC,” AGNES SAID, stepping out into the garden, interrupting the solitude there. “Michi. I need to talk to both of you.”

  Eric swallowed hard. This was the part he always hated. The part where either he would step out of surgery to break the bad news, or one of his surgical associates would do it. Judging from Michi’s still relaxed body in his arms, she hadn’t figured it out yet. But she would.

  “Just say it,” he said. Too many doctors beat around the bush. He wasn’t in the mood for that. He wanted to know what was going wrong, and he wanted to know now. If only he could shield Michi from it. But he couldn’t.

  “Say what?” Michi asked.

  “We haven’t succeeded in getting him off the machine.” Agnes stepped closer to Michi, but Michi squeezed herself tighter into Eric’s arms as if pulling away from Agnes was pulling away from the truth. And getting closer to Eric was getting closer to the only person who could make her feel better right now. “Henry sent me to tell you.”

  “Which means?” she asked, even though she knew.

  “Which means it’s going to take a while longer than we expected.”

  “Any arrhythmias?” Eric asked.

  “No, and no excessive bleeding either. He’s doing well overall, but he just doesn’t want to come off bypass yet. Thought you’d want to know why the delay.”

  Michi looked at Eric for an explanation. “Is there anything that should be done?” she asked him.

  “Trust the man who trusts the surgeon. If Henry’s not upset by this—and I’m assuming he’s not or he would have called for me—then I’m not.”

  “Then I’m not either,” she said, trying to muster a brave smile that simply wouldn’t come.

  “Anyway, I’ll keep you informed,” Agnes said, heading back to the door. “Oh, and, Michi, you’ve been cleared to sit with Riku in Recovery for a little while. Someone will give you a fifteen-minute warning when the nurses decide it’s appropriate.”

  She nodded her gratitude then went to the ledge surrounding the garden and looked out over the afternoon activity down below. “Down there, everything is so normal. People living their lives the way they were meant to. And us, up here, our lives stalled or even stopped. It doesn’t seem fair, does it?”

  “Usually, it’s not. But we muddle through, don’t we? Because, if we don’t, what’s the alternative?” While he’d always felt cheated and frustrated that he’d left his surgical practice to take up his father’s dream, this was the first time he’d actually felt guilty. It was an odd reaction, and it surprised him, and it was also the first time he’d seriously wondered if he could go back to the life he wanted and not the one expected of him. He’d always thought of changing his path as permanent but, as he was discovering, there were unanticipated twists and turns that made life different. And better. But to be a surgeon again... “How about I go talk to Henry, then let you know exactly what’s going on?”

  “Would you, Eric?”

  “Meet me back here in thirty?”

  “Can you make that twenty?” she asked.

  She looked up at him, then nodded. “Tell him I love him, Eric. Please, tell Riku.”

  “I will,” he said, his voice raspy. “I promise, I will.”

  * * *

  Michi was concerned but not upset as she sat outside alone, her back to the garden wall. There was still plenty of light left in the day and, optimistically, by the time it was dark, Riku would be settled in his PICU bed, and all the worries of the world would be long over. It had been nearly twenty minutes already, and she was ready for Eric to return now that she had her second wind and her nerves weren’t quite so on edge.

  “Want some company?” he asked, coming up to her, handing her a bottle of water and a tissue, pre-emptively.

  She nodded, choking back her tears then dabbing her eyes with the tissue. “How is he?”

  “He’s fine. On his way to Recovery.” He slid down the wall next to her and pulled her into his arms. “They want about thirty minutes to get him settled in then you can see him. Henry’s anticipating about two, maybe three hours in Recovery then back to the PICU. He’s good, Michi. Strong. Everything that should be taking place now is taking place. He’s breathing on his own. His vitals are normal. His heart is beating the way it should, and nothing but normal is showing up in the EKG tracing. It’s everything we could have asked for.”

  “And the bypass machine?” she asked.

  “Everything good there, too. It took him a little longer to come off than it usually does, but there really wasn’t a reason. Just one of those things.”

  She leaned over against Eric and lowered her head to his shoulder. It was a safe place to be. A place she trusted with a man she loved. “So now we wait?”

  “Yes. And maybe bask in the moment. He sailed through and he’s good. I really want to stay in this place for a little while and just be grateful.”

  “Thank you,” she said, wiping back her tears and sniffling.

  “Thank you,” he said on a deep sigh.

  “For what?”

  “For Riku. Thank you for Riku.”

  Michi nodded as words failed her then she collapsed into Eric’s arms. “I don’t even know what to think,” she said. “It’s been so long...”

  “Then don’t think. Merely enjoy the moment. He came through it, Michi. We all came through it.”

  Light rain was beginning to trickle down when he took her in his arms. They were still sitting on the cement, caught somewhere between the happiness of the moment and the pent-up emotions that no longer needed to be trapped. Riku was on the good side now, the place that made all the difference in the world, and all she wanted was to sit here, getting wet, and feel Eric’s arms around her.

  “Are you sure we shouldn’t go in?” he asked.

  “Not just yet. I don’t want to share this moment. It’s ours, Eric. Only ours. And a little water can’t take it away from us, but the people on the other side of the garden door can. If you don’t mind sitting here with me for a little while longer.” She tilted her face to the sky and let the gentle rain wash over her. “It’s funny. I wasn’t sure what I’d do at this moment. I had fantasies of jumping up and down or simply crying. But what I want to do... The only thing I can see myself doing is...”


  Eric chuckled. “What?”

  Michi twisted in his arms to see the glorious rain streaming down his face. “Kissing you.”

  “Would that be a kiss of gratitude or relief?”

  “No,” she said, feeling so light she was afraid the churning of the air around her might pick her up and blow her out of this dream. But it wasn’t a dream. For the first time it wasn’t a dream. “And after the kiss I want you to allow me the chance to tell you that I love you more than I have ever imagined that I could love anybody. It’s not going to be simple, and I don’t even know how you feel about me, but that doesn’t matter, Eric. After you kiss me, I’m going to tell you I love you.”

  “Then I suppose I should get to that kiss,” he said, taking her face between his hands. “Because I like the sound of what comes next.” With that, he pressed his mouth to hers. Gently. Ever so gently. It wasn’t the kiss of lust or urgency but one of something deeper, of pure need that exceeded the physical.

  It was Michi who parted Eric’s lips, seeking more than either of them expected. Tongue touching tongue, breathing in rhythm with one another... She wasn’t forceful either. More like she simply needed to be there, doing what they were doing, drawing from each other, giving to each other.

  She giggled and pulled back when the water from his wet hair dripped to her nose. Then threw her arms around his neck and drew him back into the kiss. But this time it was deeper. A kiss that could lead elsewhere and might have had her cellphone not dinged a text message. “Maybe this is it,” she said anxiously as she pulled it from her pocket, while Eric shielded it from the rain.

  The message from Agnes was simple. One word. Ready. And that was all it took to catapult Michi to her feet while Eric still sat there on the wet cement. She held out a hand to help him up, and when he rose to his feet he scooped her up into his arms and spun around, both of them laughing and crying. “We did it,” she said, feeling like a child let out to play for the first time in her life. The way Riku would soon feel. “We really did it, Eric.”